Les Miserables Abridged
by ElphieThroppDG28
Summary: The musical that swept the world, complete with a horny Javert, a badass Valjean, and the whiny poor. Rated T for language
1. Act I

Les Miserables (musical) - Abriged

_Author's Note: This is strictly the musical, not the book. I love the musical to death...so no harm/disrespect to anyone associated with it._

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. Obviously._

_Warning: Language._

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><p>Just to let you bitches know, there's a lot of shit going down in this show. Granted, not as much shit as Harry fucking Potter, but still, there's a good amount. So try to keep up.<p>

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><p>ACT I<p>

_Prologue: 1815, Digne_

So we start off this travesty with a bunch of dirty fucks whining about how sucky life is. Wow, get over it, you assholes! Life's a bitch; then you die. So fuck the world! Let's all get high! (No time to waste.)

Well, anyway, during their pity party, it's revealed that this is a prison, and we're with a bunch of criminals. Then this creepy-ass police dude named Javert is all, "Yo! Criminal number 24601! You're on parole now!"

So 24601 THANKFULLY has a real name (Face it, it would get fucking annoying if we had to call him that all the time. Plus, he's the main guy.) - Jean Valjean. Wow...how original.

So Valjean's all, "Yeah, I'm a free bitch!" And Javert's all, "Um, no. You're branded for life, motherfucker. No one wants an ex-criminal!" They realize that they kind of find each other hot, so they exchange names and phone numbers secretly before Javert leaves his pimp-to-be to face a life as a semi-free bitch.

Well, like Javert said, NO ONE wants someone who was in prison! But Valjean finds a home at a bishop's house, and the bishop gives him food and shit. Valjean's all, "What a nice guy...too bad I'm gonna STEAL from him! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

He snags some silver, but he's caught by the police. But then the bishop's all, "Hey, motherfucker! You left without the rest of the set, dumbass!" So the police let him go free, but the bishop's all, "Yeah, take this shit. But you'd better not do it again. I'm not always this nice. Usually I require you to fuck me, but I'm all out of Viagra."

After receiving too much information about the bishop's sex life, Valjean realizes, "Omigod. That bishop saved me! I should be more like him! Fuck parole! Valjean is NO MORE! Watch out, bitches! I'm comin' for you!"

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><p><em>1823, Montreuil-Sur-Mer<em>

Fast-forward 8 years. Valjean is now Monsieur Madeleine (yeah, I don't get it, either), and he owns a factory and is now the mayor cuz he's that awesome.

The poor people bitch about how sucky life is. Wait, didn't this happen already? Whoa, deja-vu...

Anyway, the factory workers bitch about how sucky life is, and...wait! Why does this keep happening? Isn't there SOMETHING ELSE we can focus on?

Oh, here's something juicy. Fantine, a scrumptious, saucy little factory chick, is discovered to be a single mother WITHOUT A HUSBAND! Gasp!

The other whores at the factory are all, "She needs to get her ass kicked out of here! We're just being bitchy for no reason!" And the foreman's all, "Fuck you, bitch. Now I know why you never wanted to give me some! You're fired!"

So poor Fantine is fired. She sings about how life with her boyfriend was awesome, but then he ditched her, and now she's got a daughter to support. And life sucks. As if we didn't already know that...

Fantine then sells her hair and her locket because the people who are watching her daughter while she works are like, "Hey, your kid is sick. Give us money to pay for some meds, you whore!" Fantine eventually joins the singing pimps and whores on the street and decides to sell herself. As in...prostitution. Dun, dun, dun!

But I guess Fantine doesn't understand prostitution, because when a dude is all, "Yo, let's have sex", she's all, "Um, no." And he's all, "Um, you're a whore. Do what I say, dammit!" And she's all, "NO FUCKING WAY!" and defends herself. Then the little pansy man is all, "Police officer Javert! This slut was being mean to me!" And Javert's all, "Okay, since you're a rich dude, I'm going to take your side! To jail with you, skank!"

Then Valjean comes in and is all, "Get her to a hospital! She's magically sick all of a sudden, and since I'm the mayor, I can do whatever the fuck I want! And I say she needs a doctor!"

So Fantine is escorted to the hospital. But wait! There's some random fuck pinned underneath that random-ass cart! And he has no significance in this story whatsoever! So...why do we care?

Oh, right! Because Valjean's a big pansy and saves him, even though we had no idea he was Mr. Incredible and could lift really heavy objects.

Javert approaches Valjean, not knowing who he is - situational irony's the shit, bithces! - and is all, "Whoa, I knew a man who could lift heavy stuff like you once! He was a criminal...and, you know, you sort of look like him, too! But you can't be him, because I just captured him and we're going to put him on trial right now, even though I'm kind of attracted to him."

So...why is this convenient? I have no clue. Maybe it's there to build Vajean's character? Screw it.

So Valjean, who can't stand to see an innocent go to jail, especially in his place, rips his shirt off to reveal 24601 branded on his chest. He's all, "Yeah, mofos! I'm the real Jean Valjean, you morons!" Javert, after being extremely turned on by Valjean's bare chest, realizes that he needs to get his ass in gear and capture the son of a bitch. But Valjean expertly gets away. Damn, he's pretty speedy for an old fart.

Fantine, who is magically dying from Insert-Illness-Name-Here disease, is all delusional and is talking to her daughter - or, at least she thinks she is because she's a crazy bitch. Valjean comes in and is all, "I'll save your daughter, you crazy-ass whore." Fantine then dies in his arms. What, did you really think she was THAT important? Ha, yeah right, you dumbasses!

Javert comes in and is all, "Hey there. I'm gonna arrest you, and then we'll have some fun." Valjean's all, "Can you give me 3 more days? I have to rescue this dead skank's daughter." And while they argue about this, Valjean breaks a chair and knocks Javert out, then escapes...again.

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><p><em>1823, Montfermeil<em>

Fantine's daughter, Cosette, sings about how she wishes her life was better than it is. She's abused by the Thenadiers, these crazy-ass weirdos who own a shady inn and steal their customers' stuff after getting them all drunk. Valjean comes in and is all, "Give me that little bitch." And the Thenadiers are all, "Give us some money." So after bargaining, Valjean takes little Cosette away.

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><p><em>1832, Paris<em>

Fast forward to 9 years later. The poor people bitch about how life sucks. Okay, this is really starting to get on my nerves...

We see some random little shit named Gavroche, who thinks he's a badass just because he's a little kid and can talk tough. But whatever! After a ton of people we don't care about sing, we learn that there's some dude named Lamarque cares for these whiny hookers and pimps, but he's dying, and if he goes, then they'll all be ignored like they were before. Oh, no. The horror.

Valjean happens to be passing through with Cosette, who's now a hot babe. The Thenadiers are there, too, since they lost their inn and are now on the streets. Their daughter, Eponine, is in love with Marius, a pansy student who's the densest dunce in the world because he CANNOT TELL SHE'S INTO HIM. The Thenadiers attack Valjean because they damn well feel like it, and Marius and Cosette bump into each other and decide that, after three seconds, they belong together. Javert is, conveniently, there, as well, and then everyone gets away in the confusion. Javert sings about the stars and how he and Valjean are totally gonna get it on...as soon as the damn bastard's arrested.

Marius goes to the local Starbucks to hang with his other student friends, led by the smoking hot Enjolras. They're all, "Yeah, revolution's the shit! We should fight for the poor people!" And Marius is all, "I'm in love with a hot chick I've only known for three seconds!" And everyone's all, "You suck, you dumbass!"

Gavroche comes in and is all, "That Lamarque dude died!" And everyone is all, "Oh, shit! This is the sign we've been waiting for! Time to fight for the poor saps!"

Marius gets Eponine to help him stalk Cosette, who's also in love with him. They sing about how pansy-ish they are, while Eponine sulks about how she loves Marius.

Well, wait. That student leader, Enjolras, is pretty sexy, and he seems to be a lot more manly than Marius. Why don't you go with him, Eponine? You'd be a lot happier!

Whatever! There are more important things to worry about! Like Eponine's father and his gang robbing Vajean's house!

Eponine screams to scare them away, and Eponine takes Marius with her as she runs. Valjean is all, "What the hell is going on out here?" And Cosette is all, "Random thugs tried to break in!" And Valjean's all, "That creepy fucker Javert is probably trying to rape me! We must leave the country!"

So then they sing this badass song, where there's a ton of shit happening at once:

Valjean is all, "Yeah, we're going away so Javert can't rape me and throw me in jail."

Cosette is all, "I'll never see that hot guy ever again."

Marius is all, "I'm torn between fighting and that hot babe, but I'm going to fight."

Eponine is all, "I'm too stupid to see that Enjolras is a better character than that pussy Marius, so I'm just going to whine about how I want him."

Enjolras is all, "Time to kick some ass!"

The students/revolutionaries are all, "Yeah! Ass kicking time!"

Javert is all, "I'm going to put aside my lust for that old dude and stop this revolution!"

The Thenadiers are all, "We're going to pick-pocket the dead corpses from the revolution and become rich bitches!"

And then there's a red flag, and it's awesome.

END OF ACT I


	2. Act II

Les Miserables (musical) - Abriged

ACT II

_1832, The Barricades_

The students are under the impression that a bunch of crates and wood will hold against the big-bad French government. But whatever! Half of them are too busy admiring how hot Enjolras looks in his sexy red vest.

Marius discovers that Eponine followed him to the barricades, and he STILL doesn't get it through his head that she's in love with him! Good God, you idiot!

He's all, "Go take this letter to Cosette so you won't get hurt!" And she's all, "Fine, bastard. Now I'm gonna sing the most popular song in this musical and make everyone feel sorry for me, then I'm gonna head back and possibly get killed!"

Javert, disguised poorly as a student, spies on the little revolutionaries. Gavroche eventually outs him and is all, "Yeah, you just got PWNed, sucka!" Valjean, who decides to help Marius out since he now ships Marius/Cosette, is tasked to kill Javert. But he realizes how much Javert means to him, and lets him go free.

After an epic battle, Eponine is found mortally wounded. Marius finally gets that she was in love with him, but before she dies, Enjolras knocks Marius out of the way and confesses how he was in love with Eponine the whole time. Eponine is flattered, and uses her last dying breath to share a passionate kiss with the sexy beast.

(Okay, that didn't happen. But I can dream, can't I?)

That night, everyone's all, "Jeez...maybe this wasn't a good idea. People are actually dying. We didn't think that would happen!" And Marius is all, "Cosette! I'll never see her again! My best friend is dead, but I'm more concerned about some bitch I just met!" Later, Valjean sings about how he wants Marius to stay safe, even though he doesn't even know the dumb shit.

The next morning, Gavroche is killed getting ammo for the troops. Everyone else dies except for Valjean and Marius (how convenient). Valjean goes into the sewers with Marius, who's unconscious, while that stupid motherfucker Thenadier robs all the corpses.

Javert comes across Valjean, and is about to arrest him when Valjean stops him. He's all, "This dude needs medical care! Let me go!" And Javert's all, "Fine...but can we have make-up sex first?" And Valjean's all, "Okay."

So they do that, and then after Valjean and Marius are gone, Javert's all, "Wait. I just got laid by my mortal enemy, then I let him go. What the fuck is wrong with me?" So he throws himself off a nearby bridge and drowns himself.

Weeks later, Marius whines about how all his friends are dead. Cosette reminds him that they get to be together forever now, and that quickly cheers him up. In a twisted turn of events, Valjean's all, "Hey, I'm really an ex-criminal, and I'm gonna go away now."

So Marius and Cosette have a pansy wedding, and the Thenadiers crash the after party as a bunch of rich snobs, since they got some money after they robbed all the dead people. Marius, through a weird chain of events that I'm not getting into, realizes that Valjean saved him, and he's all, "Wow, I need to thank him!"

Valjean, conveniently, is dying from old age. Cosette and Marius see him off as Fantine and Eponine welcome him to heaven, where Valjean is reuinted with Javert, Fantine has made up with her dead boyfriend, and Enjolras and Eponine can spend all their time kissing and making out together. Oh, and then there's the whole lesson about being kind to others and stuff, but whatever. Show's over.

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><p>Three. Fucking. Hours. Are you kidding me? This play takes THREE HOURS to get through? And everyone DIES? What a rip-off! I want my money back, you bastards! THIS IS A FUCKING DISGRACE!<p>

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><p><em>AN: It was totally worth three hours. :)_

_Please review!_


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